i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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