The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
