She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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