ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
