i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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