goodnight i made you a song goodbye
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
