I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
