high people should be assigned attendants
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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