It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
