i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
