Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
