I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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