Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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