Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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