Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
