My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
