i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
They are going to name an STD after you.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
