we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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