whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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