So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
