just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize