If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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