I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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