I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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