You don't have asthma, your pregnant
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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