i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
