i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
