I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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