I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
