This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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