so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
