I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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