He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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