I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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