If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
