nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize