I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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