A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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