Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Holy shit dude........stairs
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
