my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
