Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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