if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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