did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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