id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
