Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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