Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
My pussy is not your playground.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
