Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize