Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
