Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
