Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize