ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
