she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
