The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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