i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
