I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
