Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize