I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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